at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...