in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section