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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
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