i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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