Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Hippo gnu deer
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.