I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.