I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"