Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Banned from zoo.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.