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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
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