Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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