Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.