Texts From Last Night

(918)'s Favorites Texts:

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  (914): View more from New York

  Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

  (914): View more from New York

  Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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  (914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05
  Replies (53) Good night (6968) Bad night (2033)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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  (419): You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text? http://tfl.nu/28br
  Replies (8) Good night (3889) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco

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  (734): it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco http://tfl.nu/syi8
  Replies (19) Good night (2951) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
  Replies (86) Good night (19366) Bad night (1200) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
  Replies (20) Good night (9669) Bad night (1110) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

  (503): View more from Oregon

  How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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  (206): I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians (503): How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often? http://tfl.nu/gll8
  Replies (20) Good night (4898) Bad night (835)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

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  (618): i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw... http://tfl.nu/24ry
  Replies (26) Good night (1093) Bad night (4866) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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  (770): who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!! (404): you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship. http://tfl.nu/9p9t
  Replies (34) Good night (6166) Bad night (1092)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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  (850): Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day. http://tfl.nu/xqgd
  Replies (13) Good night (3979) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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  (502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore http://tfl.nu/n25p
  Replies (35) Good night (6194) Bad night (987)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
  Replies (20) Good night (7186) Bad night (1413) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Two words Indian burn...

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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  (806): Two words Indian burn... (1-806): What did she think it was, a shake weight? http://tfl.nu/39re
  Replies (26) Good night (874) Bad night (5491) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
  Replies (94) Good night (19353) Bad night (1409)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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  (732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts. http://tfl.nu/wlt6
  Replies (48) Good night (7170) Bad night (1696) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (816) Good night (136697) Bad night (8407) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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  (410): There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to. http://tfl.nu/sxdr
  Replies (17) Good night (995) Bad night (5419) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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  (832): you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would. http://tfl.nu/dwd2
  Replies (7) Good night (4849) Bad night (2159) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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  (309): Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still. http://tfl.nu/aa8c
  Replies (11) Good night (5360) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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  (303): Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water... http://tfl.nu/8ncn
  Replies (12) Good night (6373) Bad night (958) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (49048) Bad night (2219) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (285) Good night (60320) Bad night (3668)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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  (716): I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount http://tfl.nu/p3jz
  Replies (10) Good night (4984) Bad night (913) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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  (702): I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high. http://tfl.nu/9ove
  Replies (27) Good night (1085) Bad night (4855) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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  (310): Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake http://tfl.nu/w9rn
  Replies (8) Good night (2125) Bad night (5127) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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  (203): so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same http://tfl.nu/kiu0
  Replies (19) Good night (5742) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
  Replies (80) Good night (2276) Bad night (7734) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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  (517): I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity... http://tfl.nu/ueq6
  Replies (32) Good night (6456) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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  (517): can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised http://tfl.nu/5ukp
  Replies (10) Good night (3611) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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  (613): ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money. http://tfl.nu/in19
  Replies (33) Good night (5497) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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  (617): WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL? http://tfl.nu/2onf
  Replies (17) Good night (4811) Bad night (1021) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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  (602): I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy http://tfl.nu/rk38
  Replies (16) Good night (6155) Bad night (828) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
  Replies (15) Good night (9246) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
  Replies (26) Good night (15625) Bad night (946) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  That reminds me...we need to get swords

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  (785): That reminds me...we need to get swords http://tfl.nu/9ivg
  Replies (15) Good night (6730) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
  Replies (56) Good night (14976) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
  Replies (78) Good night (1836) Bad night (10505) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
  Replies (38) Good night (9835) Bad night (600)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
  Replies (60) Good night (17734) Bad night (1395)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
  Replies (48) Good night (24100) Bad night (1021)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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  (206): Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio. http://tfl.nu/95rn
  Replies (30) Good night (6565) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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  (504): Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks http://tfl.nu/9to0
  Replies (11) Good night (4561) Bad night (1266) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
  Replies (49) Good night (8439) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
  Replies (131) Good night (30701) Bad night (1947) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  How crunk are you?

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

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  (210): How crunk are you? (713): I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins http://tfl.nu/q3sf
  Replies (3) Good night (1693) Bad night (292)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm that good.

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  (720): Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time. (970): I'm that good. http://tfl.nu/qp5j
  Replies (5) Good night (3873) Bad night (294)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  well its been awhile since I've surfed

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  (813): so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol (1-813): well its been awhile since I've surfed http://tfl.nu/lkwy
  Replies (4) Good night (1551) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

  (323): View more from California

  i love that song!

  (818): View more from California

  NOT THE POINT

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  (818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t
  Replies (19) Good night (7009) Bad night (989)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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  (256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5
  Replies (34) Good night (10271) Bad night (1123) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (434) Good night (107940) Bad night (8843) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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  (402): Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR. http://tfl.nu/vjij
  Replies (25) Good night (6961) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
  Replies (99) Good night (25090) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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  (215): I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk. http://tfl.nu/289e
  Replies (12) Good night (4404) Bad night (756)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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  (973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r
  Replies (38) Good night (8612) Bad night (1652) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
  Replies (347) Good night (41952) Bad night (4164) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (183) Good night (53936) Bad night (4175)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
  Replies (97) Good night (41857) Bad night (1189)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (151) Good night (62663) Bad night (2950)