White coat. Heels.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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