Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it