i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
