Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.