we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
