Texts From Last Night

onomatopoeia87's Favorites Texts:

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  (519): View more from Ontario

  she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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  (519): she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!" http://tfl.nu/5ib0
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  (212): View more from New York

  Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"

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  (212): Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you" http://tfl.nu/ok3w
  Replies (5) Good night (1319) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....

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  (310): We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries.... http://tfl.nu/y7n3
  Replies (9) Good night (843) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  You're an idiot.

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  (662): What if our hands were octopus tentacles? (1-662): You're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/2n3l
  Replies (16) Good night (2162) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

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  (843): I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea http://tfl.nu/qtt5
  Replies (4) Good night (1353) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
  Replies (17) Good night (1515) Bad night (2104) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

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  (443): No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man.. http://tfl.nu/sort
  Replies (7) Good night (567) Bad night (1353) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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  (469): You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels http://tfl.nu/mqc8
  Replies (8) Good night (1689) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

  (360): View more from Washington

  It was me.

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  (360): Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who. (360): It was me. http://tfl.nu/kgk9
  Replies (3) Good night (2525) Bad night (346)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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  (770): She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?! http://tfl.nu/j94r
  Replies (18) Good night (422) Bad night (1893) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...

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  (352): I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection... http://tfl.nu/jbgn
  Replies (20) Good night (1731) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."

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  (770): You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt." http://tfl.nu/x17b
  Replies (8) Good night (1258) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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  (208): And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs? http://tfl.nu/xb1m
  Replies (2) Good night (1345) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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  (651): raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win (608): lets go back to having secrets in our friendship http://tfl.nu/pq7s
  Replies (6) Good night (3012) Bad night (621)
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  (909): View more from California

  He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.

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  (909): He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult. http://tfl.nu/s4nn
  Replies (8) Good night (2783) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i puked in the mini-firdge

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  we don't have a mini-fridge?

  (917): View more from New York City

  bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that

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  (917): i puked in the mini-firdge (201): we don't have a mini-fridge? (917): bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that http://tfl.nu/0lys
  Replies (4) Good night (3021) Bad night (660)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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  (317): The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures. http://tfl.nu/juvj
  Replies (8) Good night (2645) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.

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  (903): I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night. http://tfl.nu/xgeq
  Replies (13) Good night (875) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

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  (303): I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day. (720): When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30? http://tfl.nu/a4tl
  Replies (3) Good night (1572) Bad night (390)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?

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  (313): I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"? http://tfl.nu/ei6b
  Replies (6) Good night (489) Bad night (1292) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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  (774): We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot. http://tfl.nu/pm9n
  Replies (7) Good night (1689) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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  (907): This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/qu4g
  Replies (3) Good night (3303) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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  (734): WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES http://tfl.nu/4qd7
  Replies (4) Good night (1425) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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  (920): YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN! http://tfl.nu/7v2u
  Replies (21) Good night (1277) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Ps I am

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  (440): Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now (440): Ps I am http://tfl.nu/ow38
  Replies (8) Good night (2056) Bad night (380)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...

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  (336): Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text... http://tfl.nu/pmgt
  Replies (5) Good night (1773) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38408) Bad night (3072)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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  (602): hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse http://tfl.nu/qtc9
  Replies (7) Good night (2079) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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  (970): Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine. http://tfl.nu/g50l
  Replies (5) Good night (1381) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  When were you at my house?

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  (913): I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home. (785): When were you at my house? http://tfl.nu/k6cm
  Replies (5) Good night (2769) Bad night (639)
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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  (260): Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office. http://tfl.nu/3hhh
  Replies (4) Good night (1379) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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  (301): Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles" http://tfl.nu/ewys
  Replies (7) Good night (1241) Bad night (696)
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  (842): View more from

  we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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  (842): we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone http://tfl.nu/yvho
  Replies (11) Good night (2253) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!

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  (604): Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now! http://tfl.nu/v05a
  Replies (7) Good night (1353) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  Ooooh. Get funfetti

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  (413): Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me. (1-413): Ooooh. Get funfetti http://tfl.nu/46m2
  Replies (7) Good night (2646) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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  (337): I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/g5uf
  Replies (26) Good night (851) Bad night (2397) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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  (714): You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus. http://tfl.nu/3jtv
  Replies (2) Good night (1464) Bad night (384)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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  (320): I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years. http://tfl.nu/ge1t
  Replies (2) Good night (900) Bad night (1155) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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  (573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos. http://tfl.nu/hx66
  Replies (18) Good night (2430) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, that was you

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  (215): Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick? (215): Yeah, that was you http://tfl.nu/rydz
  Replies (7) Good night (2716) Bad night (729)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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  (413): Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day. http://tfl.nu/6cqk
  Replies (17) Good night (2737) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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  (916): I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me. http://tfl.nu/xyna
  Replies (7) Good night (3489) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
  Replies (6) Good night (3599) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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  (714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d
  Replies (17) Good night (4243) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

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  (212): He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket (617): I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you http://tfl.nu/qdni
  Replies (3) Good night (1517) Bad night (472)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?

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  (571): Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today? http://tfl.nu/1p94
  Replies (3) Good night (1220) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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  (508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up. http://tfl.nu/f7oz
  Replies (4) Good night (1856) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

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  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4703) Bad night (559)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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  (774): omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore.... (774): HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance http://tfl.nu/0qjd
  Replies (4) Good night (1701) Bad night (521)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.

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  (775): I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked. http://tfl.nu/hbpw
  Replies (9) Good night (1115) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!

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  (571): Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?! http://tfl.nu/2zl4
  Replies (5) Good night (1648) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
  Replies (23) Good night (2508) Bad night (542)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.

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  (773): Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important. http://tfl.nu/scnm
  Replies (3) Good night (1231) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So you met him?

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.

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  (720): So you met him? (1-720): More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home. http://tfl.nu/2r4i
  Replies (1) Good night (1329) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  this is the second day in a row.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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  (330): I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza. (216): this is the second day in a row. (330): Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then. http://tfl.nu/tsfk
  Replies (6) Good night (1944) Bad night (650)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.

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  (814): My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible. http://tfl.nu/fwco
  Replies (3) Good night (820) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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  (513): Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/y1zp
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Lube is flammable

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who is this??

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  (502): Lube is flammable (404): Who is this?? http://tfl.nu/y4u7
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  (760): View more from California

  Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

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  (760): Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it! http://tfl.nu/qsog
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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  (480): You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show http://tfl.nu/lsuc
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