she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show