I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
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you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.