nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The power of my boobs compel you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
