Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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