Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"