My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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