guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
R you on birth control?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all