The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
