when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.