I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow