if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
