let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dating After Heartbreak
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.