he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
