Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Don't you send me to vm
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.