sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"