Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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