Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
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any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus