Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity