youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife