You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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