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You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
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