It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I would fuck him just for his dog
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
