Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.