you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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