okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.