Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.