I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love