ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?