Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.