hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How external is "for external use only"?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.