i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
