I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?