so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
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I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.