Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I want to have your abortion
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.